


Steadier Footing

by methequins



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, idek what to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-14 22:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4582851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/methequins/pseuds/methequins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i let you bum a smoke, you quit this winter past</p>
<p>i tried twice before, but like this, it just will not last</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steadier Footing

The February air on the large balcony of Tony Stark’s larger penthouse apartment is bitterly cold, but Bucky has grown more or less numb to such trivial things as the temperature. It’s late and the lights of Manhattan twinkle below him like so many fallen stars, and clouds escape his mouth, sometimes smoke from the cigarette in his hand and sometimes simply condensation. The world feels muffled – he’s up high enough that the traffic noises from below are barely audible, and the party inside is like it’s had a blanket put over it, muting the noises to a dim mumble.

 

He isn’t sure why he came here. He’s even less sure why he hasn’t left yet. He used to be the life of the party, always the center of attention and loving every minute of it, but he’s an entirely different person now. Loud, crowded places and too much social interaction don’t really do it for him anymore. He should just head home, but that requires the long subway ride back to Brooklyn, and he doesn’t particularly feel like moving at the moment, other than the minimal effort it takes to raise the cigarette to his lips and take a drag.

 

“Hey,” says a voice behind him, and Bucky flinches. He’s jumpy about everything these days, and he’d been too lost in thought to hear the door open and close behind him. He turns and sees the slight silhouette in the doorway, backlit but approaching him, and the tiniest of smiles finds its way to his lips.

 

He hasn’t seen Steve since before his last tour, not in person, and that was something around two years ago. They’ve kept up, mostly on Facebook, and even video-chatted once or twice, but it’s hard maintaining a friendship when your lives have become so different and so very far apart.

 

“Hi,” Bucky says, and Steve drags over a chair to sit beside him. “I thought you left.”

 

“I was on my way out. Wanted to say goodbye.”

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything. Goodbyes have become increasingly hard for him over the years. He’s gone through too many permanent ones.

 

He notices Steve staring at the empty left sleeve of his jacket and shifts uncomfortably.

 

Bucky joined the army right out of high school – his family didn’t have enough money to send him to college, and he wasn’t smart enough to land a scholarship, or at least not one that would make a big enough difference. He wasn’t particularly good at anything, and didn’t really know what else to do with himself. It seemed like a good option at the time.

 

He enjoyed it, at first – he had a talent for it, a natural leader, and one of the best damn snipers out there, according to one of his drill instructors during Basic. But it had a way of slowly weighing on a person, and it’d been during his third tour that he’d lost his left arm to an IED and been honorably discharged. He’d been home for about a month now, living with his sister Becca, and this was the first time he’d really been out for much more than menial tasks.

 

“It must be weird to see everyone again,” Steve says quickly, probably having noticed that Bucky had caught him staring. “It’s been a long time since we’ve all been together, huh?”

 

“Yeah.” Bucky smiles weakly, trying to seem normal, and takes a drag on his cigarette just for something to do. “I still can’t believe Pepper actually agreed to marry that asshole. How did they end up together again? She _hated_ him in high school.”

 

Steve laughs. “You know Tony. He doesn’t give up. Guess he finally wore her down.”

 

The party was celebrating the engagement, and it was the first time he’d seen many of his former classmates since graduation. Everyone looked older, and were starting to get married and have families and get on with their lives. It seemed like they were living in an entirely different world than Bucky.

 

“How are you doing?” Steve asks, his eyebrows knit together, genuine concern in his voice.

 

_Don’t_ , Bucky wants to tell him. He hates that Steve has started looking at him like everybody else does, like he’s fragile and broken and one wrong movement or question will send all the pieces of him crashing to ruins.

 

It’s true, of course. But he hates that it’s so obvious to everyone, and he’d think Steve would know better than to treat him any different than he always has.

 

He just wants things to be normal with them again.

 

“Fine,” Bucky mumbles. His cigarette is spent, and he drops it to the ground, where it joins the small pile of butts that’s been growing there for the past hour or so that he’s been out here. He fumbles in his jacket for another one, and then his lighter. It’s an awkward and complicated procedure – he still hasn’t gotten used to how much more difficult everything has become now that he only has one arm with which to do it.

 

“I thought you quit smoking,” Steve says, frowning with disapproval as Bucky struggles to light the cigarette.

 

“Fuck off,” he grumbles around it, and Steve laughs, and it’s such a nice sound that Bucky nearly laughs, too.

 

He doesn’t think he’ll ever be sure when he fell in love with Steve. It seemed like such a natural thing – they’d always been the closest of friends, and he was the most important person in Bucky’s life. All he knew was that at some point, when they were teenagers, he had started thinking about Steve as more than his best friend, had started wanting to kiss him, and touch him, and all sorts of other things best friends didn’t do. But he’d always been too much of a coward to do anything about it at the time, and now it didn’t matter because Steve had a girlfriend and Bucky had missed his chance a long time ago.

 

Bucky takes a long drag off his cigarette. “Where’s Peggy tonight?” he asks on the exhale.

 

“Oh,” Steve says, and lets out a little sigh. “We broke up.”

 

This is news to Bucky, and he tries to stifle the little flutter of hope that rises in his chest. “Really? What happened? I thought you guys were going good.”

 

Bucky never met Peggy, but he’d heard a lot about her from Steve, whose descriptions made her seem kind of perfect. Bucky didn’t know how to feel about this, because on the one hand, he was happy that Steve was so happy, and on the other, he was unspeakably jealous. He kept that second part to himself, though.

 

“We were,” Steve says, and he can’t quite mask the hint of sadness in his voice, not from Bucky, who knows Steve better than he knows himself, even now. “But she got a job with the CIA and had to move down to D.C. but I wanted to stay here. We realized we just had different plans for our lives that didn’t really match up. So it didn’t make much sense to stay together, because neither of us were really willing to sacrifice our goals for each other. But we left it on good terms. We’re still close, we text a lot.”

 

“What are your goals, then?” Bucky wonders. He hasn’t heard Steve’s plans for his future since graduation, and a lot has changed since then. For one, Steve had also planned to join the army, but he was too small and sickly and they wouldn’t let him in. Even now Bucky worries that he’ll catch a cold being outside in this weather for so long.

 

“Well, you know,” Steve says with a sheepish grin, “Just be your run-of-the-mill starving artist, I guess. I do some freelance nowadays, mostly graphic design, but I prefer illustration. I’ve always kind of wanted to draw for children’s books, but I haven’t been able to find anything for that yet.”

 

“That’s great, Steve,” Bucky says earnestly. “You’ve always been so good at drawing and shit, you know? I’m glad you’re putting it to use.”

 

Steve’s smile widens and he drops his eyes shyly. “Thanks, Buck.”

 

A long silence stretches between them, but it isn’t uncomfortable. Steve’s the one who breaks it. “I really missed you, you know?” he says quietly, and Bucky turns to find that Steve’s studying him with an unreadable expression in his eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Bucky says. “I missed you too.”

 

“Hey, if you ever need anything, or want to talk, or whatever… well.” Steve trails off, looking a bit awkward, but Bucky smiles at him.

 

“Thanks, pal.”

 

“Your hair’s so long now,” Steve laughs. Bucky’s smile widens a little too. “I’m not used to it. I like it, though. Makes you look, I don’t know, edgy.”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Bucky says with an eye roll. “So edgy.”

 

Steve laughs again, and Bucky himself even lets out a soft chuckle, which Steve does not miss, and it makes his eyes light up like Christmas. Bucky’s heart swells at seeing such a strong reaction from something as simple as a laugh, but at the same time he realizes how long it’s been since he last laughed. Too long. Being with Steve again feels nice, normal, and he wants to hold onto this feeling as much as he can.

 

They fall back into silence, and Bucky once again finishes his cigarette. Steve is trembling from the cold.

 

“Well,” Steve finally says, and moves to get up. “I guess I should head out, it’s pretty late.”

 

“Steve,” Bucky says urgently, and grabs Steve’s tiny wrist before he can go anywhere, then feels embarrassed, not really knowing why he did it. “I just – I mean,” he tries, unable to verbalize the thoughts clouding his head.

 

Steve sits back down and brushes a lock of hair behind Bucky’s ear, studying Bucky’s face as though it holds the answers to the universe. “I know,” he says quietly.

 

And then, so slowly it’s like he’s afraid Bucky is a wild animal who will get startled and flee at any sudden movements – which isn’t an entirely inaccurate description – Steve leans close, and he kisses Bucky. It’s soft, and his lips are cold, but Bucky closes his eyes and kisses back anyways, his hand finding the small of Steve’s back.

 

Steve begins kissing Bucky more deeply, his hands sliding into Bucky’s hair to hold him close. “I know,” he whispers again, between kisses. “I know. Me too.”

 

And Bucky knows exactly what he means.

 

They stay there for a long time, until time has become meaningless, until the sky opens and it begins to snow. Steve’s fingers are nearly purple by the time they separate, and he laughs and Bucky grins shyly. Without a word to each other, they go back inside to say their goodbyes, and before they’ve even fully warmed up they head back out onto the city streets, now dusted with a light coating of white.

 

Steve falls asleep on Bucky’s shoulder on the subway on the way back to Brooklyn. It’s the happiest he’s felt in longer than he cares to remember.

**Author's Note:**

> [Steadier Footing -- Death Cab for Cutie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ibmndff7cU)
> 
>  
> 
> this is kind of rambly and i don't feel entirely satisfied with it but it's been bouncing around my head for days and i had to get it out so. here we go i guess


End file.
